Another dayyy,

So right now I'm just sitting here, REALLY hungry. Last night I hung out with Justin and it was amazingggg!! I had so much fun. Hanging out with him makes me so happy. Then I went home and texted him a little bit more and I went to sleep at like 1:30 so I'm really tired. Him and I are going on a road trip in June hopefully and many more things, HOPEFULLY. I'm really craving some KFC :), mmm, it's so yummy it makes me so happy ahaha. I hate how really fatty foods are so good. I worry too much though and it really bothers me. It's such a struggle every day to be positive and it should be easy but it's not. I'm exhausted by the end of the day sometimes. What is the point of trying to be happy and not think so negatively when by the end of the day I'm exhausted from it? That's really not normal.

Have you ever felt lonely? Not maybe for a day but no matter who you hung out with or were by, you felt lonely. This is what happened to me last year for a few months or more. I can't exactly remember. I felt so lonely that life didn't even matter to me and the feeling slowly started to fade after what felt like years and years. I had never felt such a horrible feeling other than guilt. Which reminds me, I've been feeling sooooo guilty about my hair from the last time that I told you about how I pulled. I still feel extremely guilty off and on. I feel as guilty as someone would who stole from their own church and they were christian. It's such an over whelming feeling and it really hurts. I haven't pulled since but for some reason I keep thinking about when I did pull. The thing is, it's not like it's noticeable and I haven't been pulling more. It only happened two times and I usually don't feel this bad. I'm usually able to tell myself that it's O.K. and I usually am. But it's really bad this time. The feeling is slowly going away but it's still here off and on. I'm just really glad I can at least smile and laugh everyday. I'm also glad I can see the good in things and that I'm not really negative because of this disorder.

Also, thinking about Jason just makes me feel blahhhh. Jason is someone that I loved/love since I was 13. But he has had 3 girlfriends since I've known him and he is currently on his 3rd one. He was my first love and it's hard. I don't really talk to him anymore but it hurts to know that he's with another girl when I know that no girl could love him more than I do, you know? When you love someone as much as you do and he's with someone else you know that they can't love him as much as you did but you want her to love him as much as you did so he'll be happy. Yeah, it's all really confusing. But I'm happy to say that I'm a lot better than I used to be. I don't think about him as much and him just being able to not talk to me and act like nothing happened because he found a new girl has made me mad so it's easier to just look at it all like it's for the better. I'm talking too much so I'm going to go. Class is about done.

WiKi!!

I FINALLY accepted the request in the Wiki thing and now that I'm in it, it's EXTREMELY CONFUSING. I don't know how to add anyone or do anything like that. There was no internet yesterday to be able to do anything and that's why I wasn't doing anything last night with my Wiki. So help me Becky!!!

Oops, I forgot to tell you about my dress hunting,

Like I said yesterday, I was going to go shopping for my dress. Well, I did find the perfect dress and it was the first one I tried on. I'm going to be SO MAD if someone else has that dress. Then my mom bought Jessie and Tania a dress too and I picked out Jessie's. Her dress was SOOOO cute. She kind of has one of my sister's figure so I picked out a dress that I knew would look good on her. Plus, it will REALLY show when it's under black light, so will mine :D. Then Tania picked out her dress herself, although I saw another one that look just like it and she ended up liking that better so technically I picked it out ;D! I can't explain what our dresses look like because you all have to wait until you actually see it in person. I'm still trying to figure out what to do for shoes. I know black low top converse will look cute with it but I also am debating on heels or the converse. I'm leaning more towards the converse and it'll probably happen that way but we will see. I am also getting a cute hat to go with my dress :). I need to figure out what to do with my make-up because I want something that won't wear off right away. I hate make-up, seriously, but I know it makes me look better in general even though I know I'm not ugly but I'm not what you would call a model or whatever. I've just got to keep a positive attitude :).

Ohh, I also got my ears pierced again and I stretched my ear to a 4 and OH MY GOSH, it HURT!!! I had never felt that much pain from stretching my ear before but yes, that did hurt. It was like a pre-run though for when I get into the even bigger gauges so I'm kind of glad I know what it's going to feel like now lol.

Another day :\!

So ... I was at Tania && Jess's yesterday and I was talking to their dad, which by the way he talks a lot because he just loves me!! :). My birthday is coming up in May on the 23rd and their mom's is on the 26th so he wants to do a BBQ for her and I :). It made me smile that one of my friend's parents actually wanted to do something like that for me. Actually, that ANYONE wanted to do something like that for me other than some immediate family. Although I really don't have the heart to tell him that I don't like BBQ so I told Jessie to tell him to grill some hot dogs for me because those are one of my favorites. I have to figure out what to get for their mom now, grr. I'm not very good at picking out gifts but I am good at picking out cards.

Yesterday, I pulled a few..or 10 hairs and it made me feel soooo guilty. It literally makes me feel like I have betrayed my hair! I think it's because my hair is so nice and thick that when I pull it I'm just damaging it and ruining it. I feel like it has been beautiful for me and I'm just showing that I don't care at all when I pull but that is EXTREMELY silly. It's hair, not a person or animal and it's a disorder so I know that I can't help it! Plus, I keep telling myself that you'll have to shave AGAIN if you pull a lot so DON'T PULL!! It's sooo hard and the urge is sooo unbearable sometimes :(. But I know I can do this, especially with God by my side :). I hate how my body craves the feeling but I love the feeling. BOO. That's all I have to say about it, but I can do this. I'm HUNGRY!!!

Hello everyone!

So today is Monday, hmm. That sucks, that's all I have to say ha ha. No reason in particular :). Justin and I are going to the movies tomorrow night I think (only say that because sometimes our plans fall through) and if we don't then I have to tell myself that I don't need to be upset over something that silly. I woke up at the normal time I should but then slept in 20 minutes longer and couldn't shower! Luckily I showered last night. If I'm not clean when I go out, I feel really yucky and embarrassed about myself when people look at me. Like they KNOW or something even though I don't allow myself to ever smell or anything like that in public, hehe :D.

Today I am going shopping for my prom dress with Tania and Jess. Their dad won't give them money to give them a prom dress and that kind of makes me mad but I suppose since this isn't their senior year then they don't really have to worry about it too much. I was also a little irritated because like I said earlier, Dan ordered me a phone (or maybe I didn't mention it? I can't remember) and he is having it sent to his house first, and then he is going to send it to his house. So that is another 2 days longer that I have to wait to get the phone! It's been a week since I haven't had a phone and I'm going crazy because I've been having to get ahold of people! For awhile I wasn't doing anything with anyone but now that Megan and I have become closer and I've been seeing Tania && Jess more, I've been out and about more. Also going to Davanni's with some work buddies. It's been so crazy and I love it. I've at least been able to keep my mind off of a lot of things that I used to think about wayyyyy too much. I'll update you tomorrow about how my dress shopping went even though you probably won't care! Ha ha.