Feeling upset.

So a little earlier, for some reason, I started to cry for like a half hour..I'm not really sure why I'm talking about this because I don't like letting people know how I feel, especially when I know they don't care. I really do think it's because I'm off of my medicine. I got to hug Tyler and it made me feel a little better :). I'm actually not going to see Megan tonight because I want to see Malayna since I'm feeling really depressed. I can see Megan sometime this week and that's good. Ugh, I don't want to be in school right now!! It's making me want to pull real bad right now..I want to just tear my hair out!! Maybe I can tan after school, that always makes me feel better. I want to go for 15 minutes this time because 8 minutes is not enough. Since I went tanning one time and it relaxed me so much, I feel so much better after it!! Nothing really to do...so I'm going to do a survey.

Who is your best friend?
Malayna, Megan and Jess/Tania.

Do you like dancing?
Yeah but I suck at it.

Do you think it was rihanna's fault?
This is the dumbest question ever.

Who's your favorite celeb?
Elisha Cuthbert.

Love school or hate it?
Hate it!!

What grade are you in?
12th.

Are you a minor or 2 dumb to know what that is?
Yes I am, but I'll be 18 on Saturday!!

Favorite song this week?
Hmm, it's some T-Pain song and a couple others.

Favorite show this week?
What I Like About You.

Was it crazy when Adam Lambert was in the bottom 2 on American Idol or what?
I don't really care....

Have you ever been on the computer longer than 10 hours?
Nope! That's just plain pathetic unless you really have nothing else to do.

What do you do when your home alone?
I listen to music, clean, watch T.V./movies and do stuff like that. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Have you ever peed in the pool?
Yes I have C;.

What's your favorite soda?
Uhmmm, I don't know. Don't really have a favorite. I really like grape pop.

Favorite name brand of water?
Water is water.

When was that last time you got in a fight?
I've never been into a fight because fighting is STUPID.

Target or Wal-mart?
Target!!!

Were you ever so scared you peed in your pants or threw up?
Nope, not that I remember..

Ever did something dramatic to impress someone?
Kind of! Well, actually, not really.

What do you think about this survey?
It passed up time..

Favorite artist?
I have many. Not just one..I really don't have a favorite actually.

The whole week off, what will I do?

So I have the whole week off from work. It's definitely not something I'm totally used to and it'll be interesting. I get to see Megan today and I haven't seen her in awhile so I'm excited for that :). I've been cleaning soo much this weekend and it's not even funny! It was for a particular someone but I might as well look at it as a, "Hey, you need to be cleaning for you, not for anyone else!" Ha :). I made tuna salad yesterday and I used white tuna, BAD IDEA! It would have been so good other wise :(. I need to catch up on my work for school. I only have a couple weeks left and I'm slacking bad. I'm not really sure what my problem is. I'm really mad though that I can't graduate on time..I want to live my life normally and I can't do that if I'm stuck here in school all of the time! I wish I could go back in time, things would be so much different. I could have ditched John, passed my classes, maybe have long hair still and I wouldn't be here. No offense to Creative Arts or anything..but I do miss Harding because I was there for 3 years and all of my friends were there. The perks to being here though is that there aren't so many outrageous rules and I met Tyler..but other than that, sorry.

I do that wayyyy too much. I sulk around about the past..what I COULD have done. I know I shouldn't do that but I do mainly because I know that things would be a heck of a lot easier if I hadn't been so lazy and depressed. I know you can't help being depressed but if I had avoided John then I wouldn't have been. If I had also avoided Jason I could have dodged a lot of pain! Boys I tell yea, they are somethin' else. I'm not feeling very up to anything today. I was but..I'm just not anymore. Actually, I feel kind of depressed. Is it because I don't have my medicine?? I don't know!! But I wish I could figure it out. It's driving me crazy..and I'm really tired. So I just need to sleep after school because I don't feel up to being around anyone. I wish I wasn't here :(. Ugh..it's so hard right now, everything is.

Flickr Project

So I think I've finished it. I probably didn't do the best job on it..but I'm not a miracle worker lol. Here's my link, hope it works.

www.flickr.com/photos/jackjackjackgirl

As you already probably know, the photos are backwards so start from the bottom and go to the top.

I hate how I react,

to things. I wish I didn't get so quiet when someone said something to me. I try really hard to be nice to everyone. Nothing happened today but in the past, people have tried to give me compliments and sometimes I didn't believe them so I would just look at them all weird and say, "Thanks..." and then smile a little. I hope it didn't make me look like a bitch. I always worry that I'm looking at someone weird so I try to smile to show that I really am nice and that I don't have anything against them because I'm not that type of person. It's rather irritating and I wish I could just RELAX. Since I'm so quiet, I'm sure they think I'm weird or something!!! Ugh, so frustrating.

Feedback.

How do you hear feedback differently from friends, family or teachers? Where did you learn your response to constructive criticism or compliments, for that matter?

With family, if they tell me something I know that for the most part they're being honest. They know me the best. Then when it comes to friends, I might not always believe them because they could easily be lying to just try and be a really good friend or because they might not really care but I only really like getting opinions and feedback from my best friends so hopefully they're being honest with me! I learned it from my mother. I'm a very highly sensitive person (it's an actual name..not just a normal every day 'sensitive person' so don't mix them up) and I seem to take things a lot harder than normal people would. I've also learned from friends and family as to how I should be taking things that people say to heart.

Weight.

What's the message to this rant or point? How do you feel about body image in our culture? How has weight impacted your life or thinking? How important to you is size?

Well I'm not really sure what your message was..but I feel that people judge wayyyyy too much in this culture about how you should look. It really disgusts me. I hate it so much and I wish I could be comfortable with myself but I'm honestly not. I can't wear shorts because I feel too uncomfortable and I don't like to eat in front of guys I like which is even more stupid. I mean come on, what if we didn't have any of that then we probably wouldn't have such a thing called an Eating Disorder unless a small percentage of girls still felt the way they did. I obsess over food and I don't like it. I obsess about how much I've eaten, how much weight I lose, gain, keep. It got to the point of where I would just cry because I didn't want to eat. I don't want to be scared of food. I want to love it but I don't want it to control my life. Size to me in a way is important but it's not important at all to another part of me. Like for me, I don't want to get past a size 9 because that's what I'm at right now but another side of me is like WHO CARES, being way under that is just gross for your body (not for others who are naturally skinny). So I kind of have little arguments with myself, am I crazy? Maybe..

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was honestly like another day for me. I had to work too but then I ended up being sick like I said in my previous blog. But I went out to eat with my step dad, Malayna (my other best friend), mom and Eric (my brother). It really sucked :(, being sick and all so it was not a day that I will look back on and be happy about.

CATCHING UP :)

Wow, this is ridiculous as to how many days I've missed! I hate missing this many days. I really hope I get some type of credit for the amount of days I missed although I don't blame the teachers if they decide not to because I've been sick too much and a little lazy. I haven't skipped days though ever due to me not wanting to go to school. I always have a valid reason. So anyway, I'm really excited about tomorrow, whether Tyler goes or not and I say that because I'll get to see him either way! Why do you have to live so far away Tyler? Because you're a meany head:). Well if Tyler does come to prom then I have to get his flower asap >_<. I got Jessie's yesterday along with mine and it was $20 :O. It was crazyyy. I wasn't going to pay for mine, of course, but she didn't have money until Friday and I decided it'd be better to pay for it now. I might go in today to order Tyler's flower if I can. I have to work at 5 though and I'm not sure what he is wanting to do.

So I'm going to Tania and Jessie's tomorrow to get ready and I'm pretty excited for that :). I love getting all dressed up with my girls. You know how that all is C:.

As for me being sick, I got a sore throat and began to feel the flu like symptoms take over my body the minute I woke up. I tried going into work and 43 minutes into doing my job, I threw up in the boys bathroom (doing maintanence) and some guy walks in even though there is a freaking sign outside of the door that says they can't come in and he says, "Oh, sorry." and walks out. I continue throwing up (lol sorry if this is TMI) and some other guy comes in like 20 seconds like (SIGN, DUHHH!) and I wave my hand at him to get out because I can't talk due to my throat burning. He tells me, "OH, don't mind me! I'll be out of your way!" He must of thought I was some guy or something???! So I flushed the toilet and ran out to the girls bathroom and yeah. I'm not even going to get into detail again because it's unnecessary, ha ha. So I go home and from there I was sick with the flu and BAD sore throat until Monday and the strep takes over for the flu (how sweet :]) and yeah..that's pretty much why I was gone for so long. Ugh, I hate being sick. I literally lost like 4 or 5 lbs due to not eating anything at all and when I did eat, my body wasn't used to so much food so it made me feel extremely sick.

But then last night I made some YUMMY Tuna Salad and it was soooo good so I ate too much and felt sick again. Tuna Salad is soooo good, it's one of my fav's. I forgot that I was going to bring it today :\ ugh, what was I thinking?? I'm freaking hungry.
Luckily I brought $2 :).

I shall go though and catch up on work, geez. Byeee.

I'm at work,

and I really wish I were at home cleaning the best that I could and doing my homework. I was 14 minutes late because I accidently fell asleep like a dumby. I need to get to Tania's house and grab my medicine because I haven't been taking it like I should lately so I've been feeling depressed. I really really really want to talk to someone profesionally but I'm not sure what exactly I would say and I can't right now. Ugh, I don't want to feel this way..I feel like crying right now but I obviously can't because I'm at work. I have two freaking hours left.

Flickr

I'm going to Florida :)

Yayy, it's a good day :).

So today is good so far! I really really like it :). Hopefully I can see Tyler tonight after work with Tania and Ben. Ben's funny and Tania is just plain old sexy ahaha:). So yesterday I only had a banana because I honestly was not that hungry. Then today I woke up really hungry (luckily with no pains and nausea like I usually get when I'm really hungry) and decided that I was craving McDonald's. WELL, I went there and I got two extremely greasy breakfast sandwiches and that was a horrible decision to make!! I got all sick from the greasy food and I felt even worse for eating such horrible food. I don't even know what I was thinking because I prefer Burger King's breakfast over McDonald's any day. It's probably because my step dad was driving and he probably wouldn't have known where Burger King was. It's all good now :). The past few days I've been having weird stomach cramps like I have my period and it's soo annoying!! I think I get those randomly(I say think because I have a horrible memory).

Nothing for lunch, except maybe pop. Already feel too guilty over those greasy sandwiches :\. Oh oh, on Monday I am going to the Star Trek movie with my dad, step mom, brother, maybe my three sisters and Ty. I am not really into Star Trek and I was hoping he would come with to just entertain me but he gasped and wanted to see that movie badly so now I have to watch it with my full on attention :(, ha ha. I'm so silly, I crack myself up over nothing :). Sometimes I worry myself lmao. I'm just having a ball typing away:). Have fun reading this Becky ;]. You know what I need, I need new earrings! I want to get my ears pierced a lot but I'm worried about them itching constantly and them looking even worse because the piercing people keep screwing them up. Gotta go, LUNCH!

Feeling kind of bad,

and I really really hate it. School is so hard for me and I hate studying. PLUS, my good mood as gone away and now I feel crappy again. I knew it wouldn't last forever but the 3.5 days that it did last was really amazing. I haven't felt that good in such a long time. But since I'm going to see Tyler tonight, I feel better at least about that. I'm not really sure what my problem is, I constantly think about things when I should be relaxing and I worry over ever little thing. Ugh, I hate make-up!!!

Dreams

I dream about dark things or things I'm feeling. I don't take them as signs, I just take them as my feelings coming out most of the time. I'm also obsessed with scary movies and such so my dreams are always in the dark/at night time and something bad always happens in the dreams. Sometimes I dream about scary movies I've seen or zombies, the bloody scary fast kind. I can't remember the last time I had a good dream. I think I began having strange/weird/bad dreams when I was 8 years old or something. But it's also kind of like a scary movie for me so I like to sleep and see what I'm going to dream about :). I don't want to sound creepy or anything when I say this but sometimes I fall asleep and hope I'll dream about Justin because I can actually see him in my dream but he's usually a buttface in the dream so it's not like it matters anyway lol. But I'm slowly getting over him and that :). Last night I dreamt about different random weird things and I can't totally remember it but it was dark as usual :)..or :(? I'm not sure which one is appropriate for that type of sentence! For my insomnia, I had it for a week once before and there was nothing I could do to get me to sleep except lay in bed and hope that I would eventually fall asleep! But it was never due to dreams, just all of the lack of sleep from the past.

My dreams are usually like this:

I'm in such a good mood!

I haven't felt this great probably since the summer of 2006. It's amazing to feel this good again, even though I'm hungry :(. I was going to take Jessie as my prom date but she is my second prom date now because I get to go with this really cute boy ;D!!! I'm so happy about that. And on top of it, this is my 3rd day that I haven't been pulling! Seriously, such a good week so far and I'm loving it. :) I'm not used to it so it's kind of over whelming. I've got lot's of work to do so I'd better get to it.

This is how I feel =D

Another good day! and the movie.

So maybe I'm not doing very good with my classes but that's nothing new :). It's not ruining my day. I'm a lot better these past two days that I have been in awhile. I'm sooo hungry. I haven't pulled for almost 2 days and that's the first time EVER in my 9 years. It's amazing and I'm really loving the feeling. I have to go to work tonight and I kind of missed it. It's like my second home :). It gets really boring though...and I still need to get shoes for my dress. I'm not really sure what else I need for it... I finally got my phone and I'm loving it. It's so nice to have my phone back. I'm trying to figure out what to do for my birthday. Most likely a hotel party but I have to see what my friends think of that idea and how many will actually come. It's my party though so they can just suck it up or not come at all and let the ones who want to come enjoy their time there :).

As for the movie, I never thought I'd actually watch something like this but it's pretty good. It's rather strange...and I'm not really sure what the point of it is. Is it just about a crazy family or something???

Weddings and Make-Up.

I love the thought of weddings and getting married. I can't wait for the day that I am proposed to and get married. I cried at the rehearsal for my sister's wedding because it all was just amazing! Then I cried at the actual wedding :). The cake was SOOOO yummy! My sister did pumpkin I believe. It was so incredibly good! I don't really understand why some people don't want to get married but I'm not against their opinion and beliefs.

As for make-up, I too think that the make-up may make us look pretty but exactly why is that supposed to be considered 'pretty'. It's not even the real me. Although the real me is gone even without the make-up because of my disorder. I really love and I really hate make-up. It's definitely saved me from a lot of shame and embarrassment but it has also made me look fake and I just don't like that.

Good weekend :)

I'm sorry I wasn't here Friday, Becky. I had to leave to my dad's and plus, I made a lot more money because I left a day early. I made $87 for the whole weekend and it's going into my savings for my dog's hip surgery. I have a long ways to go though, but it's a good start. I also got sunburn on my face and it hurts when I touch my nose. I ate a heck of a lot so it caused me to feel a little more drained because too many sweets usually does that to me. Tonight I am going to McDonald's with Megan and then we're going to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past :). I'm in a good mood right now and it really makes me happy.

Achille's Heal

My achille's heals are movies and sweets. Mmm, I love sweet things. Like cupcakes with whipped topping and chocolate chip cookies. Basically one of the yummiest things ever!! Movies are also my other A.H. Movies are amazing and I love them.

Becky's Questions To Me:

Indeed. How about this? What freedom is there in anonymity? What release do you think those individuals might have felt in sending those messages? Is it possible that having to resort to anonymity makes you feel even more trapped and isolated?

There is quite a bit of freedom in anonymity. It gives them a lot of release because they feel like they are talking to someone because people can respond to those diaries/blogs if they have something to say. Like for me, I like staying anonymous because they don't know who I am but I can still talk to someone for support and they don't know me personally so they can't judge me at all. They can only help me with what I need help with. It's really rather hard to explain.

Not sure what is right and what is wrong

I really scare myself sometimes. I do things that I know are bad for me but I do it anyway because one part of me just doesn't care. I wish I could say but I know you all are able to see this so I can't..but I don't really care right now. I know I should have more but I am scared to. I want to get help but I can't right now. I just don't want to get into all too much before it's too late. I suppose it's never too late though...

Yesterday before work I got all of the things together that I wanted to sell and priced them. I still have to grab the last load of clothes I have and put them into the garbage bag I have. Tonight I have to go to my dad's early and I know you won't be happy about that Becky, but it's the only way I can get down there is by leaving tonight. I need to get away from here anyway and take my mind off of it all. I won't be able to talk to Dan for 3 days and it'll definitely be hard but I'll manage. I have my friend and family to talk to when I get there :D. After school I'm finishing up the clothes and going to pack, then I go to work until 10 and leave right after that to my dad's. About over an hour's worth of driving so I might have to bring my iPod. I'm starting to get sick of some of the songs though :\. I hope I make some money. I remember from about one year ago or so, a friend of my step mom brought over a cage full of baby bunnies. I asked my mom if I could get one and she said yes. After picking out the odd ball who no one would pick up I held it for most of that day and loved it to death. :) I love bunnies, one of my favorite animals. Don't have her now though because of moving and all :(. She was kind of mean any way, I think because she was always outside at my dad's for awhile..alone. Poor Daisey.

Provocative,

Wow, I loved that site. It's so awesome. I love all the thoughts that people have posted. But I would rather not post what I'm thinking for everyone to see if it's something I never wanted anyone to know in the first place..you know Becky?

Early Release, WOOO!!

Have you ever heard so many songs that reminded you of that one person? I already have like two songs that remind me of Justin! It's crazy, and they are exactly what it's like for us two. But enough about HIM because he barely talked to me yesterday because he didn't feel like it, he's so selfish. I always feel used by him.. :\ ugh. ANYWAY, hopefully my phone will come in by Friday. If it doesn't then I WILL BE SADDD :( BOO! It's a pretty bomb phone. Not a touch screen but touch screens are annoying and I don't know why.

I'm so glad it's early release day. It like worked out (almost) perfectly. I had to work yesterday until 10, then I work tonight and tomorrow until 10. Then Friday right after school I go to my dad's. Not much time to get anything done so me getting off of school early and having about 3.5 hours to do laundry that I need done and packing up things to sell at the garage sales is (almost) perfect. GAHH, it makes me so happy!! :) Ha ha, I am easily amused and I get happy easily but that almost means I get sad/depressed/angry easily and I don't like that but I'm happy right now and that's all that matters! Maybe I can drive home if Shawn picks me up :D. I like driving but the other drivers just drive me insane sometimes. I've decided not to diet because it always leads to me doing a bad diet, as in only eating like 300-600 calories a day and always thinking about food in a negative way. Definitely not fun and I really don't want to worry about that. I just need to talk to a Nutritionist who can tell me how to eat properly. I hate trying to keep a stupid plan with food. My main problem though is that I just eat too much of the food I'm eating at the time because I love it so much. I don't always do it but I do it more than a normal person should!! Sad times :(.

Well, I'll post next time for an update. Talk to you all later! :)

Blogging Class Assignment 4/29/09

There is someone in my life that is definitely going through a hard time and I can eventually see her life turning out for the better. She's 17 right now and doesn't live at her own home. Her mother is gone and has disowned her. Her father chose his new wife over his own flesh and blood. She doesn't take medication for her bi-polar disorder and she's been close to killing herself so many times, it's scary. I'm not sure if she'll be able to graduate on time but I doubt it. She definitely is the party type and she cares mainly for her boyfriend and friends right now. She really has no one to fall on other than her grandmother and even her grandma needs a break from it all because her husband just recently died, my friend's grandpa. She's been talking about going to a community college to get into a better college and I have faith in her but she needs to talk to someone before she can really get anything together.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named, (insert name here), who lived with her wicked stepmother and evil stepsister. Day in and day out she had to do work for them, getting nothing out of it. Always having to stay home while they went out. Well, one day she couldn't take it any longer and she ran away. She eventually moved in with her angel she called her grandmother. As time went by, her grandmother needed time alone to be able to cope with the fact that her loving husband was gone, so (insert name here) went to live with her wicked stepmother again. It got so bad at the house that she eventually got kicked out and moved in with her friend. As more time went by she started to become sad, missing her dad, so she numbed all of her feelings with alcohol, weed, and burning herself. She knew that she needed to get better and it was only a matter of time. She began to do better in school and is currently trying her hardest to succeed in her life. She knows that the only way you get through things is by trying, not just sitting there and hoping something good will happen.

7 minutes to kill,

and I'm lovin' it, bah bah bah BAH bah! :D

My hands are freezing right now!! Ugh, it's been so cold all day, even with long sleeves on. I didn't get to go out with Justin but it was honestly no big deal which was a huge surprise :). But I'm O.K. yeahyaa. So this weekend is the 85 mile garage sale at my dad's and I took off of work to go. I might bring Jessica but if she can't go then I'll just go all alone :(. But I still have Ashley to hang out with if I don't have Jessie. I have to get all of my stuff together to try and sell which I doubt it'll sell. Well actually, I can't doubt it because I've always been able to sell something at least. I'm so hungry right now :( ugh. I suppose it's time to go. I'll talk to you all laterrrr.

Beauty<3

Beautiful to me is the soul of a good person. Beautiful to me is someone who doesn't try too hard to look the way they do. A person who is beautiful to me is Megan, my best friend. She is a good-hearted person and she has a beautiful soul. Beautiful sounds like my mom on a good day ;), beautiful smells like the fresh morning air on a day that you know is going to be good, beautiful tastes like that first sweet bite of that brownie that you had been waiting for all day and had been craving, heaven. I do believe in inner beauty because I believe that the only kind of beauty in a person is the inner beauty. They just happen to be blessed if they look amazing ;D. It really depends on the person though when it comes to time and getting beautiful. It's however the person chooses to live their lives and how they choose to react to others in certain situations. It's how they choose to see things through their own eyes and mind. You're only beautiful when you are kind to others and yourself. Beautiful is not mean, nor is it angry.

Blogging Class Assignment 4/24/09

How do you think teens are most misunderstood?
What are the best ways to communicate or relate to teens?
What are your best memories from this time of your life?

Adults think that because we are young, that we should just be happy. Exactly why do we have to be happy just because we're young? We are going through a lot and it's irritating when adults expect so much out of us. There is only so much we can take. The way to communicate with one (at least with me) is by listening to me and asking me questions about me but not making it seem like you're just trying to get into my business. Also taking interest in what I like to do instead of telling me that what I like to do or telling me what music, movies I listen to are stupid. It's your opinion, yes, but I really don't care about your opinion on it if your just trying to tell me as if it's some kind of fact when in FACT it's just your opinion. I'd have to say that my best memories are some of the ones with my family and good times with friends, such as Megan. Or when I'm going to the movies with my mom, even though we argue quite a bit. Good memories to me aren't when I get that first kiss because that's not going to matter in the after life. Although happiness does matter to me and if a boy makes me happy then I do notice it.

Everything is wayyy too confusing!! >_<

I never thought that I'd have so much to do in this class. It's extremely over whelming and I need A LOT of help. It's really, really, really hard to concentrate on anything when you're depressed and stressed. Taking two math classes is starting to become harder as each day passes and I don't really have the energy. I am and WILL blame most of this on my ex of one year who I dated in 9th grade. He was emotionally abusive and made me feel so crappy. When I was on the phone with him I would literally just sit there and pull hair after hair out. Sometimes I would cry while doing it because I was so depressed and stressed from it all that I didn't know how to handle it all. I skipped school ALL of the time because of my depression and I would cut myself. Now that it's been three years since I've talked to him I'm doing a lot better. I don't cut myself and I don't pull my hair like I used to.

Yesterday, he contacted me through e-mail after all those years and told me he missed me. I told him that I missed him. But after arguing a little again I just told him bye. What's the point? He kept talking about some girl that he really likes right now and exactly why would I want to hear that? What a dumby!! He makes me so mad. Sometimes I wish I could just punch him in his balls. Well that other girl can have him because he doesn't matter to me anymore.

I pulled more hairs again but I controlled it. I can't remember if I mentioned it but if I didn't then I pulled more. But it's not that noticeable thankfully! I feel so ugly because of it. I know I shouldn't and I always tell others with this disorder that you should never feel ugly because beauty is not hair, beauty is personality. But it takes control of me and I can't seem to get away. I feel chained down. I made a video on Trichotillomania that you'll probably have to view at home if you'd like. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sfMBEjY_Do
Just to give you a better idea of it :).

I hope I get my cell phone today! It's been 2 weeks since I've had one and that's wayyyy too long!!! Dan shipped it off Friday, priority mail, and it should be here today or Tuesday. If it's not here today then I'm going to be really mad because it took the guy on eBay almost 2 weeks to ship it!! That is just ridiculous and he's definitely not getting a very positive comment from me. Boo, I'm so hungry! I might eat something small for lunch..I'm trying to lose weight for prom and just for myself. YES, yes, I'm thin and I know I am, but it's just to feel better about myself. Maybe I have a distorted image of myself but it's not as bad as some girls have of themselves in their head. I try not to think so negatively because I know what it does to me so I only make goals that are possible. I try not to be a little whiner though so I'm going to shut up about that :).

I really, really, really don't want to fail this class so I'm really trying hard to make this all work. Geez luh-weez. Who knew blogging class would be so freaking hard. I might see Justin tonight for a little bit but if I don't then oh well. Well, not oh well but I try to just look at it that way because it's honestly not that big of deal. I want to text Megan but I don't have a phone :(. I miss her!!!!

Another dayyy,

So right now I'm just sitting here, REALLY hungry. Last night I hung out with Justin and it was amazingggg!! I had so much fun. Hanging out with him makes me so happy. Then I went home and texted him a little bit more and I went to sleep at like 1:30 so I'm really tired. Him and I are going on a road trip in June hopefully and many more things, HOPEFULLY. I'm really craving some KFC :), mmm, it's so yummy it makes me so happy ahaha. I hate how really fatty foods are so good. I worry too much though and it really bothers me. It's such a struggle every day to be positive and it should be easy but it's not. I'm exhausted by the end of the day sometimes. What is the point of trying to be happy and not think so negatively when by the end of the day I'm exhausted from it? That's really not normal.

Have you ever felt lonely? Not maybe for a day but no matter who you hung out with or were by, you felt lonely. This is what happened to me last year for a few months or more. I can't exactly remember. I felt so lonely that life didn't even matter to me and the feeling slowly started to fade after what felt like years and years. I had never felt such a horrible feeling other than guilt. Which reminds me, I've been feeling sooooo guilty about my hair from the last time that I told you about how I pulled. I still feel extremely guilty off and on. I feel as guilty as someone would who stole from their own church and they were christian. It's such an over whelming feeling and it really hurts. I haven't pulled since but for some reason I keep thinking about when I did pull. The thing is, it's not like it's noticeable and I haven't been pulling more. It only happened two times and I usually don't feel this bad. I'm usually able to tell myself that it's O.K. and I usually am. But it's really bad this time. The feeling is slowly going away but it's still here off and on. I'm just really glad I can at least smile and laugh everyday. I'm also glad I can see the good in things and that I'm not really negative because of this disorder.

Also, thinking about Jason just makes me feel blahhhh. Jason is someone that I loved/love since I was 13. But he has had 3 girlfriends since I've known him and he is currently on his 3rd one. He was my first love and it's hard. I don't really talk to him anymore but it hurts to know that he's with another girl when I know that no girl could love him more than I do, you know? When you love someone as much as you do and he's with someone else you know that they can't love him as much as you did but you want her to love him as much as you did so he'll be happy. Yeah, it's all really confusing. But I'm happy to say that I'm a lot better than I used to be. I don't think about him as much and him just being able to not talk to me and act like nothing happened because he found a new girl has made me mad so it's easier to just look at it all like it's for the better. I'm talking too much so I'm going to go. Class is about done.

WiKi!!

I FINALLY accepted the request in the Wiki thing and now that I'm in it, it's EXTREMELY CONFUSING. I don't know how to add anyone or do anything like that. There was no internet yesterday to be able to do anything and that's why I wasn't doing anything last night with my Wiki. So help me Becky!!!

Oops, I forgot to tell you about my dress hunting,

Like I said yesterday, I was going to go shopping for my dress. Well, I did find the perfect dress and it was the first one I tried on. I'm going to be SO MAD if someone else has that dress. Then my mom bought Jessie and Tania a dress too and I picked out Jessie's. Her dress was SOOOO cute. She kind of has one of my sister's figure so I picked out a dress that I knew would look good on her. Plus, it will REALLY show when it's under black light, so will mine :D. Then Tania picked out her dress herself, although I saw another one that look just like it and she ended up liking that better so technically I picked it out ;D! I can't explain what our dresses look like because you all have to wait until you actually see it in person. I'm still trying to figure out what to do for shoes. I know black low top converse will look cute with it but I also am debating on heels or the converse. I'm leaning more towards the converse and it'll probably happen that way but we will see. I am also getting a cute hat to go with my dress :). I need to figure out what to do with my make-up because I want something that won't wear off right away. I hate make-up, seriously, but I know it makes me look better in general even though I know I'm not ugly but I'm not what you would call a model or whatever. I've just got to keep a positive attitude :).

Ohh, I also got my ears pierced again and I stretched my ear to a 4 and OH MY GOSH, it HURT!!! I had never felt that much pain from stretching my ear before but yes, that did hurt. It was like a pre-run though for when I get into the even bigger gauges so I'm kind of glad I know what it's going to feel like now lol.

Another day :\!

So ... I was at Tania && Jess's yesterday and I was talking to their dad, which by the way he talks a lot because he just loves me!! :). My birthday is coming up in May on the 23rd and their mom's is on the 26th so he wants to do a BBQ for her and I :). It made me smile that one of my friend's parents actually wanted to do something like that for me. Actually, that ANYONE wanted to do something like that for me other than some immediate family. Although I really don't have the heart to tell him that I don't like BBQ so I told Jessie to tell him to grill some hot dogs for me because those are one of my favorites. I have to figure out what to get for their mom now, grr. I'm not very good at picking out gifts but I am good at picking out cards.

Yesterday, I pulled a few..or 10 hairs and it made me feel soooo guilty. It literally makes me feel like I have betrayed my hair! I think it's because my hair is so nice and thick that when I pull it I'm just damaging it and ruining it. I feel like it has been beautiful for me and I'm just showing that I don't care at all when I pull but that is EXTREMELY silly. It's hair, not a person or animal and it's a disorder so I know that I can't help it! Plus, I keep telling myself that you'll have to shave AGAIN if you pull a lot so DON'T PULL!! It's sooo hard and the urge is sooo unbearable sometimes :(. But I know I can do this, especially with God by my side :). I hate how my body craves the feeling but I love the feeling. BOO. That's all I have to say about it, but I can do this. I'm HUNGRY!!!

Hello everyone!

So today is Monday, hmm. That sucks, that's all I have to say ha ha. No reason in particular :). Justin and I are going to the movies tomorrow night I think (only say that because sometimes our plans fall through) and if we don't then I have to tell myself that I don't need to be upset over something that silly. I woke up at the normal time I should but then slept in 20 minutes longer and couldn't shower! Luckily I showered last night. If I'm not clean when I go out, I feel really yucky and embarrassed about myself when people look at me. Like they KNOW or something even though I don't allow myself to ever smell or anything like that in public, hehe :D.

Today I am going shopping for my prom dress with Tania and Jess. Their dad won't give them money to give them a prom dress and that kind of makes me mad but I suppose since this isn't their senior year then they don't really have to worry about it too much. I was also a little irritated because like I said earlier, Dan ordered me a phone (or maybe I didn't mention it? I can't remember) and he is having it sent to his house first, and then he is going to send it to his house. So that is another 2 days longer that I have to wait to get the phone! It's been a week since I haven't had a phone and I'm going crazy because I've been having to get ahold of people! For awhile I wasn't doing anything with anyone but now that Megan and I have become closer and I've been seeing Tania && Jess more, I've been out and about more. Also going to Davanni's with some work buddies. It's been so crazy and I love it. I've at least been able to keep my mind off of a lot of things that I used to think about wayyyyy too much. I'll update you tomorrow about how my dress shopping went even though you probably won't care! Ha ha.

Wow,

I want to see Justin. This sucks, I asked him if he could take me somewhere for my birthday, just the two of us and he thought that was stupid. I don't really know why he thinks the way he does sometimes. I want to see him..but I can't tonight and it's my fault but I don't really want to say why. I wish I didn't feel the way I did for him. It's totally unnecessary and I don't need it. Danny was sweet enough to send me money and I'm so happy for that. I look at him this way, he's an angel that God sent to me. I really want to see him and I'd better get to this summer!!! Ugh, I can't talk about this anymore, I'm feeling to blah over it all. I want to see Megan.

My blog of the day.

Hmmm, so I suppose I have a thought or two about some things. Mainly one thing, I guess. First off, Justin and I didn't get to go to the movies last night :(, but I actually didn't mind this time. I was too tired to care. I didn't get to bed early though and I'm not sure why I have such trouble sleeping at night. I did have insomnia last year at one point for a week straight and it was BAD! But I don't know if that's the case this time. I'm just a night person and it's hard for me to fall asleep. Then I had like one or two dreams that were just crazy. One of them had zombies in it and they're my favorite thing, but they also really scare me and I love it. But the dream wasn't so nice :(. Then there were tornados. For some reason I would always have dreams and my favorite teachers were the tornadoes, trying to get me. But now the tornadoes aren't anyone specifically, they are just tornadoes coming after me. Or I'll have dreams of me being up in extremely high places. Usually, my dreams are dark and don't really have happy endings. Sometimes I can jump really high and sometimes I can fly but I have trouble most of the time. It's getting to the point where I want to fall asleep because my dreams are so fascinating that I just like to be in them. I love love love scary movies and my dreams are like living in one :), I hope that doesn't sound creepy. Whatevvv ;D.

Also, we have this assembly to talk about gays, lesbians and bi-sexuals that is mandatory. I'm definitely not against me but some little part of me is. I am not going to lie, I am bi-sexual deep down but I have chosen to just ignore it and put God first. I'm not going to lie, it's hard but I know God will help me through this. Maybe some of you will disagree with what I have chosen to do but this is what I feel I need to do and the thing is, I never wanted to marry a girl anyway. I have had strong feelings for one particular girl but it was never going to work out and I'm glad because I would have probably eventually fallen in love with her. I definitely don't want that to happen..it's happened too many times for my own good! I am listening to this Britney Spears CD with If U Seek Amy, Womanizer, etc and it's really good :). People are always surprised when I tell them I listen to all kinds of music. Sometimes people assume I just listen to rock because of the way I dress sometimes and it's irritating but I just ignore it. :)

Blogging Class Assignment 4/16/09

Q: How are you and your teachers alike? How are you and your teachers different? What skills and talents do you have in common? What talents and knowledge does your generation have that your parents and teachers might lack?

A: My teachers and I are alike in a way that we're both human. This is their job, they do it for money and some even actually do it to help students (WOW, I know, right??)!! The only thing that really makes us different is that we are in two different time zones right now. I am beginning to slowly grow up and they have already done a lot or some of their growing up. I definitely won't want to be a teacher when I grow up, sorry Becky. We all are capable of achieving something in life and the only thing that differs from us young ones is that they have achieved a lot more due to them being almost a century's worth older!!! We have learned a lot more, a lot faster about the 'new' days as apposed to when the teachers learned the 'old' days. They grew up with older music, older clothes, older people like themselves ;).

So I'm pretty tired.

and it really sucks. I'm feeling a little isdcknfrkuenf today. I was extremely hyper this morning and now I'm feeling tired. I didn't get much sleep last night, only about 6 hours and that's usually how it goes for me. Yesterday, I cleaned for 7 hours straight. 2 loads of dishes, about 4 loads of laundry and lot's of carpet cleaning! It smells so much better in the house. I am always so disgusted with myself when it smells weird or anything like that. Now I can finally have someone over and not be so embarrassed about the place I am having to live in. So I get to see this one guy (unsure of what my feelings are for him but it's definitely extreme like for him) today and I told him that he had to pay for me because last time I payed for him. What a woman. Then he is coming over to my place on Saturday to..watch movies? Meh, I suck at coming up with plans so whatever I find to do, I'll be happy either way because I like spending time with him.

My mom is going out of town with her husband to this fish creations show so I get the whole weekend to myself. But the thing that sucks is that I will be work both days, then Justin comes over so not much time for myself..but that's O.K. because I get bored easily. Seriously, I am soooo tired :(. I feel like I could just pass out right at this very moment. When lunch rolls around, I'm about to buy me some Ramen Noodles!!! Then after school I get to go to Tania's house :). But I have to get home soon so that I can get ready to go see Justin. Oh my gosh, I'm sick of talking about him and it's driving me crazy. GRRR!! Honestly, I can't even think right now. I know why but I won't say! Ahahaha :D.

43 THiNGS :]

http://www.43things.com/person/jackjackjackgirl

there it is folks, my 43 Things account!

Hm, just...babbling on about nothing.

So yesterday was pretty O.K.  I can't complain even though it seems like I always am complaining.  Saturday, I dropped my phone and it doesn't work anymore.  That's probably the millionth phone that I've ruined...and I'm not sure why my luck is so bad.  So my best guy friend = love of my life ;D, bought me a phone to last me until I need a new one that will be pretty bomb.  I'm not really into trying to get the new clothes or new accessories, but when it comes to phones, I like my phone to look good.   Same with any other electronic and I'm not sure why but that's just who I am :).  I played some Wii games with my cousin and brother so my arms hurt because of the boxing, baseball, and tennis.  I had to wake up at 7 AM yesterday and I had only gotten about 5.5 to 6 hours of sleep :S, it really sucked but I'm kind of used to it.  I'm still having trouble with this blogging site and I'm not sure if I really like it..it's so confusing.  Plus, I hate being added to a ton of different sites for blogs and goals and stuff.  Don't be mad Becky, that's just how I roll.

About Mehhhh ;D

So, I forgot to post this first since I was late to school and I wasn't really sure as to what I was supposed to be doing but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.

Hello everyone! My name is Rebecca Morgan [insert last name here] and I am 17 years old. I'll be turning 18 soon and I'm pretty excited for that. Some kids say that it is just a number but to me, it's a time where I can finally claim myself as an 'adult'. I've been feeling stuck in the middle of being too young to be by myself through a bank or anywhere else but being able to get into Rated R films. I live in a very small home and I don't live a rich life. I'm not really into college and I don't care much for school. But what I do have is consideration for other people and a caring heart. Nothing will get me as far in life as that :).

I have four best friends named Megan, Tania, Jessica and Malayna. They're pretty much amazing and I love them. I love to hang out and go places. I especially love road trips and partying. I am trying to focus on school right now so that I can get out of this place! I work at Byerly's and it's pretty fun. It's a really easy job and I'm happy for that because I get confused easily. I also can be lazy at times and I need time to myself like any other person. I'm the type of person that doesn't really live in the 'real world'. I live and wish upon that wishing star up in the sky because I hope for too much.

I am Christian and am hoping to get closer to God eventually. I love Him and I really don't care what others have to say about that because it's what I have decided to live for. I also love Photography and am maybe thinking of going into it for a future career. I love my family and care for them a lot. I especially love my mom for being there for me and trying to make my life better. We have our ups and downs so I try to give my mom credit for what she does. I'd have to say that my favorite time of the year is spring and summer. It gives me the feeling of wanting to clean and be a better/happier person. It smells good :).

Blogging Class Assignment 4/8/09

As I was reading this, I was beginning to understand why blogging is somewhat important for the people of planet earth. By writing a blog, you put your thoughts out like you usually would not with someone face-to-face with you. A lot of people can only really put there feelings out there by blogging and by doing so, this helps them to relieve some of the things that may be bothering them or may be on their mind. One way we could use blogging in our classroom to the best of our ability is by trying not to minimize what we write. For example, it always helps to put things into longer terms instead of typing out an explanation you have in your mind. A way that we could make each of our blogs meaningful to us is by putting thought into each of them. Instead of trying to get the assignment over with, think about each question you're asked or what you're supposed to describe and take time as you type it down.

Some of My Life

After each photo of me, friends and family I put one photography picture because I love photography and it shows the beauty in the world. There's a lot of danger and hatred in the world and photography really helps me see differently.